All throughout preparations for the trip and through the VGM camps, I kept asking myself, “Why the heck am I here?” Why do I have to stress about getting these things done right now? Why am I dealing with these rowdy kids all day? And when we were asked to share why we were going on the trip multiple times, I gave a good ol’ Sunday School answer. I didn’t even know why I was going myself in the first place. ‘Oh, it’ll be a good experience.’ or ‘I’ll be spreading the love of God! WooOooOoOo!’ Both plausible answers at the time, and two things that I noticed to become reality by the end of the trip, but not exactly the entire truth behind my motives.
I guess I knew all along in the back of my mind why I came. Why I spent so much time and energy into this trip. I wanted it to take up my time – to keep me busy. Yeah, not the most glorious of answers. I realize this sounds horribly vague, but I’ll tell you all about the story behind it if you ask me. But anyway, that’s why I went on the trip.
And as the departure date was approaching, I prayed that I would find God in the process of it all. That somewhere in Taiwan, He would be there, and I would find Him. You see, sometime in February, I though He had thrown me into the fire and left me, but in reality, I had run away from Him. I began feeling more and more distant from God, and for some silly reason, I thought being closer to the church would mean being closer to God (not true btw). Anyway, so when the opportunity to sign up for missions came, I jumped at the chance. It was like a big, fat arrow with lights pointing to a possibility to be with Him again – To find that love and joy that kept me breathing.
(Mission trip happens.)
So by the end of the trip, God had answered my prayers. I found Him. And I realize that I would never want to let go again. He was pretty much standing in front of me the entire time, but you know how we stubborn and confused sheep are. You know, I’m really not entirely sure when I had found Him or came to that realization, but I could really care less as to when I did, because I know that I did in the end. -insert smiley here-